Graduation News!

Our first college graduate!! We are so excited to share in her success and her bright future. Our sweet Elena...all grown up!

The story started in 2010 when our family was blessed beyond measure to meet Siyu Xu, or Elena, as she likes to be called. She was shy, sweet and new to the United States. Her home was thousands of miles away, in China, and she would call us her adopted American family from that day forward. In the years since she moved here, she has graduated high school and college, mastered English, learned to drive, traveled the states, lived on her own, and matured into a beautiful, sensitive, intelligent woman.

This year, Elena has earned a BA in Economics from UC Irvine and is taking time to study for the GRE and apply to graduate school. Her father, who has business in California (and all over the world), will also give her a chance to work and learn the family business. In the meantime, we're excited she'll have more free time to visit.

While Elena has had doors open because of her education in the United States, more importantly, she opened her heart to us and enriched our lives immensely. She is a more than a testimony to international exchange programs, she is part of our family, and we are so so proud of her. Congratulations, Elena!! We can't wait to see what the future has in store.

Love you!!

{J}

To PREP or not to PREP...That is the Question

When I was 17, I don't remember my parents or my school making a HUGE deal about preparing for and taking the college prep tests - ACT and SAT. I know, that was the "olden days" and the world has evolved, but does anyone else feel like the pressure is a little much? And I mean on us parents.

So Bella took a prep class. It was determined that the ACT was better designed for her success. She took a test and did OK and she has been studying for the next one...sort of. There are two things you should know right now: my 17 yo daughter does not like tests and she is a master procrastinator. In other words, she's a NORMAL teenager. But her mother, inundated with articles and posts about the frenzy and importance of these test scores, does not appreciate her carefree, lackadaisical approach. Bella argues that she is more than the sum of her grades and test scores and she will land exactly where she's intended to land. I argue that she still needs to invest some time in preparing for the next test because I said so. We're really in sync right now.

Teenagers can be hard to be around. And sometimes, it seems they're impossible to parent, at least in my house. But I think she may be a little right. (Don't tell her I said so.) So instead of hounding her all summer about test prep, this is my new attitude: "Why should I care more about your future than you do?" I've decided to withhold my wisdom-nagging and let other wise people do the work. Like Gandhi. Remember that magic book I talked about in this post? It's my new best friend. I don't use my words anymore, I just leave her messages from the universe. In her room...her bathroom drawer...her wallet...on her phone. It's AWESOME! And I don't have to be there to witness her eye-roll. WIN-WIN!

Feel free to employ this tactic with your own parenting challenges. You can purchase this treasure trove of inspiration here. It's the best $5.48 you'll spend EVER! You're welcome.

{J}

Lessons From A Middle School Graduate (Well, His Mom)

First of all, you should know right now that my 8th grade-graduate, 5'10", so-confident-he-rocked-a-mullet-for-a-whole-week son would disown me if he knew he was the inspiration behind this blog post, but sometimes we need to enter the blogosphere where worries and fears, phases and stages are pondered, if nothing more than to let someone else know they're not alone. So this post is brought to you for the greater good.

Today, my son completed middle school. He has been immensely blessed to have his dad at school and a network of really great people in his life during these sometimes tough years. And he been really lucky to learn some good/hard life lessons. Like, when he said something about a friend behind his back and the friend called him out on it, he had to own it and make amends. And guess what, that person forgave my son and he learned about how jealousy can make you act like the worst version of yourself. (Even grown ups can relate, right?)

There was also the first crush and break-up on Valentine's Day. (My heart still aches for him even years later; I may even imagine giving stink-eye to the heart-breaker if I ever passed her on the street. Kidding not kidding.) But eventually, after lots of painful pacing and head-shaking, he TALKED to us about it and discovered that letting something out is the only way to let the healing in.

Here are some other things he learned over these three, very important, very impactful years:

When you don't read the book and just read the spark notes, you don't know enough = Half-assing your way through life won't lead to success.

When you commit to a group project and your partner doesn't do his/her part, your grade will suffer = Pick wisely. Also, be a good partner.

When you hear someone talk about wanting to end the pain, you aren't supposed to keep THAT secret = Listening and acting saves lives and saves you from lifelong regret.

When you put something out on social media and you instantly regret it, tough S@#! = Think before you post. Always. Life is full of consequences.

When you're with friends and someone decides to do something dumb, you don't have to do that dumb thing too = You are NOT a victim. You make choices. And don't pressure someone to do that dumb thing if it's you're idea. But TRY not to do dumb things.

Feel free to use this example with your children in whichever way it will support your conversations about peer pressure, good choices, consequences of one's actions and crack! If your kids know my kids, please leave names out. I don't know what I'd do if my children made me stop writing about them...they provide the BEST material.

{J}

80's Baby!!

The 80's. My era of tunes. Something magical happens when Cyndi Lauper or Prince plays on the radio and it's oh so powerful. The other day, I had the kids in the car and it was my turn to pick the playlist. Noah cued up an 80's station on Apple Music (if you don't have this, go get it NOW. $15 for the whole family to have ALL THE TUNES they desire.) Anyway, we drove along and listened to a few of my favorites:

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" - Wham

"Let's Go Crazy" - Prince

"Dancing With Myself" - Billy Idol

My kids were really impressed that I knew EVERY word, and could keep rhythm whilst expertly singing AND snapping!! And even more, they LOVED the carefree mom that came out for a little fun. (Friends, maybe I'm crankier than usual lately, but teenagers are HARD to live with sometimes.)

In all seriousness though, it was really rejuvenating to sing and move and connect with that part of my youth, a time when things were nice and easy, and my BFF and I spent the better part of our summers playing songs over and over on the boom box, trying to decipher the lyrics and put them to memory. Those were the days when you had to work for your music acumen. No Shazam or Google to help us out.

As we continued the drive and each of the kids got to pick their favorites too, cuz music is meant to be shared, and LOUDLY if you're with teens. Guess what? The happiness was contagious. So I got to thinking, I should to play more music in the house...it could help ALL our moods. Maybe I shouldn't always throw earbuds at my kids when they start blaring their music. An open mind is an evolved one, right?

And did you know that music has been found to be good for your health? Some doctors have shown that it even has medicinal benefits. Researchers say that music increases the amount of the mood-enhancing chemical-dopamine-produced in the brain, so it can counter depression. Music has also been proven to reduce pain in patients, alleviate symptoms of stress and anxiety disorders, and even aid in memory recall for patients with dementia and Alzheimer's.

You guys, MUSIC ROCKS!!

The late, beloved Billy Idol was ahead of his time when he said, "I think music in itself is healing. It's an explosive expression of humanity. It's something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we're from, everyone loves music." He was so very right.

So, the Hales have decided to bring the music back and let the good times roll. When the kids get home from school, when we're cooking dinner, when we're doing chores, even sitting down with homework, tunes will be keeping us company, fueling and filling us up. And if a little dancing or snapping happens, all the better.

{J}

P.S. It wasn't until I wrote this post that I realized that all three of the artists I mentioned have passed away. I am proud that such influential musicians had an impact on my youth and I'll be sharing their music with my kids so the legacy can live on. You won't be forgotten, George, Prince and Billy.

True or False...

A couple of weekends ago, we celebrated my husband's forty-something birthday. Our house was filled with friends and LOTS of teenagers. And even though we didn't have party games, there was one activity I convinced our guests to play. It was a little bit psychic and a little bit inspiration. Here's how it went: I flipped through the pages of a little book of sayings and the person playing would say "STOP" and that would be their quote. They'd read it aloud and comments would fly. Each person in that room indulged me until everyone had their own personal anecdote to contemplate.

There were some really good ones. Quotes from Shakespeare and St. Francis. Obscure fables and familiar lessons. But this one in particular got the conversation going:

"Do what you love, even if it means you're broke."

In a room full of emerging young adults, the thoughts on this ran the gamut. Yes, money isn't everything, but the reality is that not every career choice can financially support you, no matter how much you love your job. Then what? So the parents sat around wondering how we help them figure out who they want to be and what they want to do? How do we make them understand that today's decisions will impact their future choices? How do we impart a wisdom that only comes with experience on a generation who just needs more experience? The answer is, we really can't.

Because what we value is different than what they value. In fact, if we're honest and rewind the clock twenty or so years, we'll likely find that what we value today is very different than what was important to us when we were young and free and our future stretched out in front of us with perfect timing and ideal outcomes awaiting. And we had to take the path, rocky and bumpy as it may have been, to get here. They must do the same.

It starts with activities as mundane as laundry and chores, and exposure to service projects giving them a glimpse of the great joy derived from helping others. When they're old enough, they need to get a real job where someone other than mom and dad, tells them what to do and how to do it better. They need the chance to be accountable for their own money and sometimes, they have to feel the disappointment when they don't have enough for that thing they really want. All of these things, all of these life experiences will begin to weave in them a knowledge and a passion and a purpose that will drive them forward, hopefully, leading them to something they love, and something that can support them.

When you're young, being broke and passionate propels you to find your own path and figure things out. As an adult, sometimes being broke comes in a different shape, and it's good for our kids to see us working that through too. Growth, if done right, is a lifelong and life-giving endeavor and as parents, it's our responsibility to listen and guide, but even greater, is our job to fortify the launching pad so that each of them has a successful take off.

We can't guarantee, and we shouldn't, that the journey will always be sufficiently filled with money and passion and fulfillment, because it won't be. But we should assure them that the ups and downs, the highs and lows, have their own way of making the ride a sweet one.

"Do what you love, even if it means you're broke." Such a little saying with such a big meaning. What do you think?

{J}

We Are Called To Love

Ash Wednesday is upon us. For Christians, it marks the beginning of Lent, a period of solemn, spiritual preparation for Holy Week and the celebration of Easter. It is a time to remember and imitate the life and ministry of Jesus and it leads up to the commemoration of his death and resurrection. That’s what Christians celebrate.

But we don’t have to stop there. I have friends of varying faiths that use this time to bring into mind their own values and beliefs, to remember the reasons behind the rituals, to contemplate. And what a gift. Every morning, we have the great opportunity to start anew. To think about how our mark on this earth can be just a little bit sweeter and to DO something about it. To be more kind, more disciplined, more gracious, more present, more faithful, more loving.

When I think about some of the recent atrocities brought upon our fellow believers, fellow human beings, around the world, it’s hard to ignore the fact that our world is in dire need of grace and love. Sometimes, I forget that THAT’s my job - in the midst of carpools and craziness, in spite of the terror on every news channel, especially when it's not easy or convenient – my job is to spread forgiveness and understanding and love.

People, my prayer this Lent is that each of us takes advantage of the opportunity to remember our God, regardless of the name we call him, and to contemplate how we can each shower great LOVE upon the world, like HE did. What a privilege it is that we even get that chance.

So during this blessed season, I leave you with the profound words of Sister Joan Chittister:

"It is very easy to forget the wonders God has done for us. God often performs these marvels when we are least hopeful they will happen, least sure they can happen.

Out of death, after pain diminishes and numbness fades, new life so often comes forth. After the loss of one direction, another more vibrant than the first so often emerges. Beyond what the world says are our best years, comes a fullness of life unmatched by any other stage.

These are the miracles of life. These are the wonders we stumble into, so obviously not our own making that they must be of God. These are the things that must be remembered in the midst of the daily, dull, depressing moments of life.

Good has so often come out of even the more shabby parts of our own life. We retreat from religion because it disappoints, only to find no better answers elsewhere and return more spiritual than ever before. We fail ourselves miserably, then find new life when we discover that people loved us for ourselves, not our images. We get stopped in our indulgent, dishonest, ambitious, shiftless tracks and become newer, better selves. These are the wonders of life.

Every life is filled with a series of small miracles designed to carry us through dark days, up steep mountains, down into the valley of death, beyond every boundary.

One of the spiritual disciplines of Lent is to recognize these, to let praise raise in our hearts. We need to see the miracles of our lives as signs along the way that no path is too twisted, no burden so heavy, no social system so impenetrable as to confound us utterly. The God who has sustained us in the past will not desert us in the present.

Praise and memory take us into tomorrow with open minds and certain hearts."

Love and peace to you!

{J}

(Passage from Ideas in Passing - benetvision.org)

(Originally posted 2/15/15)

Nightmare on Beacon

I had the most TERRIBLE nightmare the other night! It was so real that I shot right out of bed and went to check on my kids. It took forever to get back to sleep. Now, I don’t watch the news or CSI or anything having to do with child molesters or kidnappers because, well, because my children like to go outside and want to continue to do so.

So here’s my issue. When I gave birth to Bella, I went from easy-going, carefree, soon-to-be-new mom, to a paranoid, vulnerable, heart-outside-of-my-body mom. And then we had two more babies after that, just to make sure I fulfilled my maximum potential of anxiousness.

But I honestly believed it would get easier, because, you know, as babies grow to be toddlers, fevers and funky rashes that could be the deadliest form of Kawasaki’s disease, usually subside. And as toddlers get a little older, they stop sticking pennies and Barbie shoes and marbles in their mouths, or running away for no reason other than to give you a heart attack. And as children turn into teens, they’re more coordinated and don’t fall off their skateboards (or the couch) and break as many bones. And when teens turn 18 years old, when they finally earn the title of adulthood (ha), they know all the things and make all the good decisions and EVERYTHING is right with the world so I never have to worry again. Ahhh!! (Queue heavenly angels singing.)

Actually, THIS is exactly my issue. What no one told me when I became a mom—nor would I have understood if they had—is that I would never see a day without worry. NEVER. EVER.

So when I had the most TERRIBLE nightmare the other night, that I was married to a wife-beating-child-abuser, and that he was going to kill us if we tried to get away, and that my brave and fierce neighbor Mrs. Robertson broke us out and drove us to safety (thanks friend!), it makes PERFECT SENSE that my latest worry is this: how can I make sure that my daughter doesn’t find herself in an abusive relationship and that my sons never abuse their girlfriends/wives. And let’s take it one step further, just for good measure. How do I safeguard our incredible nieces and nephews? Or our sweet Godchildren? OR OUR GRANDCHILDREN?!?!

Are my issues becoming clear? Do I need to point out that we don’t have grandchildren, yet I have found a way to dedicate sleepless nights in their name?

In the off chance that I’m not alone, that someone else out there shares my open-invitation to fear, I’ve been trying to figure out how to let my kids grow up without the irrational need to influence every step of the way. (It's a process.) The news on the street is that we need to let them fail. That’s how they learn. That’s how they get tough enough to survive the real (big, scary, dangerous?) world. I hear that everywhere and I KNOW IT’S TRUE. But my heart's not so sure.

There’s a fine line between informing our kids of a sometimes-harsh reality and scaring them. There’s a balance between our desire to shelter them and their need to be prepared. And pretending that bad things can’t reach them if they stay inside the safe bubble we’ve worked so hard to fortify may help us sleep at night, but it won’t help them when that fragile bubble bursts. Which will happen, in some way, shape or form.

So here’s your take-away...Listen closely because I care about you and I think this is the only thing that’s going to save us all: the way to keep them safe is to realize that we can’t, and to stop trying. We don’t have control over everything that happens to them, not forever. And we need to redirect our efforts to a greater, more important cause: to teaching them how to fall, rebound, contemplate, change direction and grow.

We have to help them find the confidence to advocate for themselves, as well as the resilience to overcome defeat. They need to learn to use their voices to stand up for what’s right, but understand that sometimes, it won’t be enough. We have to show them we have faith in them, at the same time help them build their faith in God. And we need to provide them with the skills and tools to deal with disappointment, work through pain, manage anger and navigate worry. (Easy work, right?)

These things won’t dispel all of our fears, they won’t give us back our sleepless nights, but they will give us something else to focus our energy and attention on. Something much more lasting and impactful.

As a wise fish once said: “You can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.” I’m going to remember that one.

Be strong friends and have faith when you aren’t. And if you've found a way to navigate the worry, please share. We are each other's angels.

{J}